SISTERHOODS TEACH US WE’RE ALL BROKEN AND MESSY…AND LOVABLE ANYWAY
“You are loved just for being who you are, just for existing. You don’t have to do anything to earn it. Your shortcomings, your lack of self-esteem, physical perfection or social and economic success – none of that matters. No one can take this love away from you and it will always be here.” – Ram Dass
In the past, I had a unbalanced need to be loved so I easily clung to friends as a way to comfort myself. Secretly I believed I wasn’t able to stand on my own two feet in this world and I had deep empty spaces in my heart I was looking to someone else to fill. Some people look to love relationships to complete them, to define them, to fill their empty spaces. Luckily for me, I approached my love relationship with a lot more wholeness. Unluckily for me, I did not approach my friendships this way. I became a needy friend – an empty friend who constantly needed filling. This NEVER worked.
In the end, this was a really good thing.
The joy of seeking someone else to fill your emptiness never working is that eventually you go through enough heartache to realize that holy shit, it’s my job to do that – not theirs.
Once I started doing the work that was always mine to do, something interesting happened. People came into my life who love me in a way I love to be loved. By becoming my true whole self, I started to attract my tribe…and this tribe lifts me up. It fuels me. It comforts me and holds me in a way I like to be comforted and held.
I think our needs are all very unique. I think our values are different, our passions are different and what lights us up is unique. So how I love to be loved, what I prefer in a relationship and the values that are most important to me in friendship are going to be entirely different than someone else’s. My desires and preferences are no better than anyone else’s but the joy of finally loving myself and taking care of my needs is I am now calling into my life people who vibe where I vibe.
Again, my vibe isn’t better than anyone else’s and other people’s vibes are no better than mine. It’s not about a hierarchy here. It’s not the new age idea of people vibrating higher or lower than you I’m talking about here. What I’m talking about is people you don’t have to struggle with because they want and value the same things.
This is such a different experience for me. I sometimes have to step back and really take it in.
I think that’s one of the beautiful joys of sisterhood.
When you find your tribe, they lift your vibe because in their reflection you see yourself and who you are is okay.
Now when I walk into a circle of women, instead of fighting for love and belonging, I try to be myself and trust that by being myself, I’ll attract other women who appreciate my qualities, share my needs and express love in similar ways.
This has been so much harder to do than it is to describe because it requires trusting that my way is okay. It requires believing that the way I’m made isn’t a giant mistake. It requires trusting I have value and worth even in my empty and broken spaces. It means showing up honest and being open about the things I don’t always like about myself…the things I tried unsuccessfully to hide to be loved in the past…like my neediness, my transparency, my insecurities, my bossiness, my sometimes thoughtless nature, my forgetfulness, my harshness, my sensitivities, my ego…all my secret shames. But instead of these traits causing heartache, now when I reveal them, I meet people who aren’t affected by them or who actually embrace me for them. And I no longer give all this weight to the people who don’t get me or who don’t share my same values. I no longer look to them to be loved and appreciated…at least not as much as I used to.
That’s the kind of sisterhood circles I like to create- sisterhoods where you are loved for who you are, not who you try to be to earn love. This lifts our vibe. This energizes us. This feeds our hearts and helps us bloom. And that’s the kind of sisterhoods and love relationships I hope we each find because it will mean we are loving ourselves for who we really are NOT who we wish we were. That secret perfect version of ourselves we strive to be is NOT better than the honest, vulnerable and flawed versions we naturally are.
I host two sisterhoods. One is for my online tribe – those who want to experience my sacred sisterhood but don’t live near me and one for my local tribe – those who love the idea of driving out to the beautiful forest and sitting in sacred space with women who share their vibe. For an entire year we journey together to the depths of ourselves, greet our souls and learn how to love ourselves for who we already are.
To find out more about my online sisterhood, click here.
To find out more about my local (Calgary, Alberta) sisterhood, click here.
Whether or not you join a sisterhood this year, promise me you won’t push yourself to be the shiny, flawless version you think is better and more lovable. And promise me you will love yourself for the human, broken mess you can sometimes be…because girl, we are all broken, ugly and messy too.
with love and deep appreciation for who you really are,